If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
scared to check what name she chose
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing