Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
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mario: what’s in this risotto?
me: mushroom, you’re not allergic?
mario: *grows to like 20 feet*
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.