If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.


[dinner party]
mario: what’s in this risotto?
me: mushroom, you’re not allergic?
mario: *grows to like 20 feet*


GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.

ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.


Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”


We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”


Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.


In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.


Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen


I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.


Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.