If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Are we there yet?…
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!