If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
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[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.