Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

My mother’s scale of concern:

1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.

2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no