@DudeImShawn

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

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@electrolemon

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

@nbadag

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

@BuckyIsotope

Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.

@Marlebean

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

@DeeDeeSpeaks

STOP EDITING YOUR PICS, what if you go missing? How tf can we find you if you look like Beyonce on Instagram but Waka Flocka in real life?