If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
peak technology
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.