Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?

Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together

Therapist: No

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.