Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Donkey I Shreked the Kids