if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
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I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I fixed it. For me
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.