if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
You Might Also Like
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
