If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Go girl power!
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life