Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why isn’t thunder called soundning

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?