Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

Love this guy

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”