If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.