If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate