If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
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“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Basketball
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone