Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)

My Dad: No!

Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up

Years Later

My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)

My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

[cat and dog meet for negotiations]

Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.

Cat: *smiles*

Dog: Oh no.

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!

Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING