If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I love twitter
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*