If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.