If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
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Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
This rocks
this is funnier than any friends episode
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.