If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.