If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
haha same