If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi


[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]


Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.


By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance


You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.


Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.


“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*