@Mom_Overboard

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

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@toastymoe

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

@wesleysnipes

Today I am choosing to stay positive and kind to anyone I encounter today, except vampires.

@PJTLynch

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@dshack8

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@brichie13

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*