If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?