If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*