Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.