If snakes were wide
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.