If snakes were wide
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Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
it takes so much energy
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.