If snakes were wide
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[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
This is my bus stop.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.