Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!

Me: You should post something on FaceBook.

Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.

Me:

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.