If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.