Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

How much for the mirror?

Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone