If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
same energy
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”