[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants