@NikiWithIssues

If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.

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@david8hughes

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that

@D2BMcG

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

@professorkiosk

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

@david8hughes

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

@crmotwo

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@SketchesbyBoze

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@ShortSleeveSuit

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist