[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
If Snow White can trick 7 men into supporting her, then I’m sure I can find at least one sucker to do that for me.
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Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist