If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
*launders Kohls cash*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee