Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!