If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
🤣😂🤣😂
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
Nothing.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Creative Problem Solving
A duv-egg? In this economy?
