If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
yeah not falling for this one
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*