Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

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The Chosen Phew

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real