If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Proctology is located in A55
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“you recording!?”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Friday night party time 🥳
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*