Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

Festive toon…

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.