If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
What do you call it when a zoo paints common animals to look like more exotic species?
Fake Gnus
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.