If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
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i guess his teacher was really pissed
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not