If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
You Might Also Like
I have a black belt in leather
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
the Monday after daylight savings
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend