Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23. the denim jacket

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

Yes, but it was never about money

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Her: I love your eyes.

Me: Thanks, they were a set…

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.