Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

genius