Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

If only

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.