Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Where is your GOD now????

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1242792148262666240/pu/vid/480x600/70Re0m_CJsX8Y88b.mp4?tag=10

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Oops

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.