Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better

ㅤ

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.