If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
#polloftheday
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.