Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Challenge accepted.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.

Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.