If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
We will use anything but the metric system
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley