If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.