If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
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I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.