If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.