Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
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Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.