If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
How I’d get arrested…
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…