If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor