Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.