Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

*first day as a magician*

Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!

Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.

Me: no it isn’t

My shirt: no it isn’t

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.