If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
certified hallow’s eve classic
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.