Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.