Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

This is me

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo