If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
You Might Also Like
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews