if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
me linking you to my twitter
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
🖕🏻👽
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
The booster protects against what, now?
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs