if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Potatoes were such a good idea
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist