if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”