If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Safety first
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
