If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.
JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
dude it’s called proctologist
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables