If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
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Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no