If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*