If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
A wise man once said nothing.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”