If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
You Might Also Like
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
He-man has a Masters degree
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.