2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Is no shave November just for men?
Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.
the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.