@DothTheDoth

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

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@TheClifBob

2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people

@krishna_van

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

@OctopusCaveman

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

@CherBear162

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@NINETIREDBUGS

the moon has NO GENDER and IS MY BEST FRIEND and SAID YOU GUYS HAVE TO BE NICE TO ME OR IT’S CANCELING TIDES FOREVER

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@spies_please

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

@Marlebean

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.