If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes